Numbers Never Lie?

They say that there’s a correlation between number sequences and upcoming events.

For about a month I had been running into all variations of sequences.
Especially when I looked at the time.
2:22, 3:33, 1:11, 5:55. Regardless of whether it was AM or PM, they all were popping up. I read somewhere that you need to pay attention to what is happening at the time you see these numbers; see what mood you are in or even your environment, for they could all be trying to tell you about something that’s going to happen.

In all of my situations, I was in a good or peaceful mood. I was keeping busy with a hobby or laughing while talking to someone.

Then December 27th happened.
I was drinking my morning coffee and had been talking to my sister about going out for a walk. I stopped to take a picture of my cup of coffee. The cup was a beautifully decorated mug that my oldest sister had given me for Christmas. As I added a filter I stopped, I looked out my window and a sense of peacefulness came over me as I thought, “he’s close”. I didn’t know if it was in distance or in time, but something just felt like I was close to meeting someone important. It was a fleeting feeling that escaped me just as quickly as it arrived.

I went out for a walk and later on I got a message on Instagram from a new follower. I usually ignore these messages, but I replied to this one that said, if you could follow me back please. To which I replied, –only because you said please.
At no point did I stop and tried to connect the incident over my cup of coffee to this particular situation, even if they were hours apart. And for a while, I didn’t try to connect the two. We exchanged a few messages and it was odd that hit it off with a stranger out of nowhere, especially online.

But that’s how it began, and the days that followed shined a light to a possibility I had never expected.

​How to get over a guy in 14 days.

The following is the answers to, who, when, what, and why.

Who?

About a year ago, I befriended a guy who is a friend of my brothers. At the time we were both seeing someone and nothing happened but there was always some connection. Coincidentally, the first time he was brave enough to start up a conversation with me, was the last day I saw my now ex.

Over the course of a year, we got to know each other pretty well, and are aware of how much we like each other. But because of his “troubling past relationships” he feels he’s on a sour note when it comes to relationships. Therefore, he’s not “emotionally available”. Even though he sure did act otherwise. 

In other words, a fuck boy. 
When?

Well, I begin today.
What?

….do I intend on doing to achieve this….?

Well, I’ve compiled a list of things that I’ve done in the past as well as what others have done. This list consists of: keeping myself extremely busy, helping others, picking up on a hobby, reading books, working out, and listening to a lot of angry music or dance music.
Why 14 days?

Many reasons.

– My birthday is coming up, I’d like this to be a gift from me to me. 

– I’m not getting any younger

– I don’t think he deserves a whole fucking year like some people say it takes to get over someone.

– Because regardless of whether I make it or not, I know I’m heading in a direction in which benefits me
Since this is day 1, I’ll return tomorrow to give the details of what I’ve done. In the mean time, I’ll go look up more videos or something. 

Wish me luck.

About saying ‘Goodbye’

Exactly one year ago today is when I met the guy who I’ve had a crush on for…well, one year…today.

It’s easy to remember when you met someone, when you meet people on a specific event. I remember sitting on the far end of the kitchen table and him walking into the room. He walked over and before I stood he stretched out his hand to shake mine. Something about the look on his face as he shook my hand made me feel like he had seen a ghost. This could be because he had been following me on Instagram for a few months this is why I don’t feel like a stalker for remembering when we met.

In this year, he’s told me likes me, he’s hinted that he continues to do so. Communication is bad, just bad, but on Thursday we are going to a concert together, alone. I kind of think that I should say something and that it’s now or never. Mostly because I am leaving next month. 

The thought of this shakes me to the core and it bothers me to the point of tears because he is the only person that doesn’t know. I fear that telling him would lead me to crying, especially since the day I leave coincidentally is his birthday…. my gift shall be, the gift of absence. Cruel, perhaps. It’s only cruel if he likes me.

I sit in my room, thinking about all the things he doesn’t know and about how my fear of rejection is bigger than his lack of knowledge on the matter. I know that once I’m sitting down alone in a room in another town, feeling like I’ve left the planet. I’ll crumble into a million pieces, knowing all the people I’ve left behind and how once again, I walk away empty handed. 

I can’t tell him I’m leaving, I don’t want to. Because if I tell him I’m leaving, that means I have to say goodbye, and quite frankly I don’t think I can ever do that.

About being single

As a girl who’s been single most of her life and who’s been out with her friends to clubs, bars, parties, etc. I can honestly say that, there’s never been a time, when we go out dressed to get a guy. Every time we got dressed it was for us. Because we had worked 9 hours on a shitty salary, with horrible schedules, tucked in a corner, or listening to customers complain over the stupidest things.
We went out in our dresses with our heels, hair, makeup done because we needed a fucking break. We needed to free ourselves from being these office minions with 15 minute long breaks a day because we were too swamped with work. We had a few beers, danced on the dance floor because we wanted to be free for a few moments from the norm.
Sure there was a time or two when we had a few free drinks and maybe took down a number or two but these things happen, it doesn’t meant that you’re a horrible person, nor that you’re out trying to sell yourself for some guy to build a happily ever after. You’re just out having fun. Being single in your twenties is difficult, not because getting into your house by yourself is a daunting task, but because we have our parents, coworkers, siblings, family, friends and just about everyone who starts up a conversation with you, on our asses asking us when we are going to find that certain someone to start a “normal life” with.
I think of those people who hate their relationships, who had kids at a bad time and are struggling. Even people who have these long term relationships because they’re comfortable yet have no feelings for one another. People who have a home and kids and are popping antidepressants because they never took time to discover what they wanted to do with their lives. Just people who have these “normal” things and yet aren’t happy. I think of this and wonder why anyone thinks it’s okay to give me a hard time. We all know someone who is going through something like this, I know I do.

No, I don’t think I’ll find the love of my life at some club or bar, but don’t grill me for wanting to go out. It upsets me that women like my brothers fiancé can go out wearing a short dress and no one calls her a whore, but if I do it, I’m trying to get attention.

Fuck you, I’m not dressing up for a guy to hold my hand and promise me shit I’ve been hearing for 10 years or more. I’m dressing up for the woman who’s been mocked at for being single, I’m dressing up for the woman who has been working her ass off, for the woman who’s not going to take anyones bullshit, I’m dressing up because I’m not fucking dead, I’m young, and I want to enjoy these things. I want to enjoy being asked for my ID at the door, because at some point they will stop.
I want to enjoy being able to rock a cute shirt because my boobs are sagging, because some day will. I want to be able to get a free drink from a guy at a bar, because some day I won’t even be noticed or even want to go out to those places.

I don’t understand why everyone is afraid of being single. I’m not shutting myself from dating, I’m not avoiding relationships, I’m not against anyone who is in one either.

The bottom line is, mind your own fucking business, get a fucking hobby or work on your own life, because last time I checked, no one has it entirely put together, and if you do, you’ve gone through a whole lot of shit to get there, so cut us some slack.

A simple kind of life.

The past few days haven’t been easy for me, as a matter of fact this whole year hasn’t been easy for me.
It’s crazy for me to think that it’s been half a year and here I am still feeling emotionally sick.
Yes, I spend every day lying to myself, saying that I’m fine. I put on a smile and think everything is fine and if it isn’t, I just pretend it will be.

In my last relationship, my now ex told me about how a friend of mine had told him he had sex with me. Apparently this friend of mine had gotten into detail about being with me, which never occurred.
I never confronted this friend because I felt like it was something he would say plus I didn’t want to start an argument with someone I’d have to work with every day.

A few weeks later, when I no longer was working in that company, my ex told me that my friend had confessed it was all a lie. There was something odd about how my ex said this. I had the feeling that my ex was trying to cover up for my now ex friend so that I wouldn’t yell at him if I ever ran into him.

I let it go and just wanted to pay no more attention to it.
This ex friend of mine and I have a good friend in common. I told this friend of ours what happened and he told me he would say something. I told him there was no point. I had no intention of talking to that guy again.
It’s been three months since my friend and I talked about this.

Yesterday my friend told me he spoke with his friend and that rumor.
Of course he denied ever saying anything, he had told my friend that he was always clear with me and how he felt about me but that he never said anything.

My conclusion was: I don’t know what’s worse. My ex making up a story like that in order to have me end a friendship/manipulate who I hang out with; or my friend going around making up stories about us. This is the reason I avoid relationships, this is the reason why I study people before even having them as friends, this is why I isolate myself.
Why do I constantly have to be dealing with stupid immature shit like this?
I don’t think I can ever be in a relationship again. I don’t want to get sucked into feeling love for someone, only to find out they’re trying to separate me from friends. My ex hated that I had male friends and most of them are men! And why do I now have to start wondering if my friends are actually my friends or if they’re just waiting for me to pass out drunk to make a move or if they’re going around talking about me like I’m some kind of whore.
I can’t continue thinking like this, I can’t keep feeling like this. Here I am just wanting to live my life and have my friends and hang out and be completely normal -and by normal, I mean be my weird self- be honest, caring, giving, loyal with my sarcastic and random moments. I want to work hard and eventually find someone who shares these things in common and loves me and me love him. Now I have to think, that I can just go live with my gay friend and be roommates and never fall in love and just hang out all the time. We can get a dog and maybe go on trips together.
I’m just upset that I can never have the kind of companionship that I’ve always wanted. I just hate games, I hate them and it seems like it doesn’t matter how much older I get, no one around me seems to be growing. I’m just here feeling like this old person who wants to cut the bullshit and have an amazing relationship and amazing job. I get nothing and every experience I’ve ever had is as good as I’m going to get. I’ll third wheel forever. It doesn’t help that everyone is getting married and traveling and starting relationships and I’m just sitting here waiting for my tickets to go see a movie. What am I doing wrong?

…And all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life…

I’m doing fine.

I believe that every now and then, whether we say it out loud or maybe it’s just a lingering thought, we stop and ask ourselves, “am I a good person?”
I often think that I don’t give off this appearance and every now and then it bothers me.
There’s no specific reason as to why I’m posting this, nothing happened to me today nor did anyone tell me I wasn’t but this is one of those moments in which I stop and ask myself, am I being the best I can be?

A few months ago I was talking to a cousin and she told me that there was something about me that made people always ask me to stay. She said: it’s just you. This same cousin always comes to me with questions, regardless of whether it’s something important or something as simple as what should I wear.
I know I’m silly, I make many jokes about myself and tease others as well. People can always rely on me telling them the truth and giving my opinion when asked for. I don’t get into people’s business unless I’m asked to do so. I respect people’s personal space.
I say my pleases and thank yous when I’m not lost in a thought. I’m a great listener. I like my alone time so I’m not clingy. I keep a small circle of friends and I treat them as I would like to be treated.
I’m great at keeping secrets and I’m always willing to jump I’m front of someone in need.

About two weeks ago, I saw my niece having a bit of meltdown and though everyone saw this and simply asked her to calm down, I took her to the park, walked around, talked to her casually and made sure sure he felt supported. After about 30 minutes I took her home, she was all similes and quite frankly I wished someone else had thought of doing this because I don’t talk to her much. Yet I know what it’s like to feel trapped yet exposed with feelings and no one being around to help. I don’t like anyone feeling like this. I can’t help but just do something small, simple just to make someone feel like they’re not alone.

I find myself only wanting to help people. Then detoxing myself to make sure I’m balanced. Yes, I do have a heavy sarcasm at times and I do have a bad sense of humor but overall, my core, my being is someone who just doesn’t want the world to ache as much as I have.

Even if I don’t get a specific thank you or any recognition for what I’ve done, I know I mean well. I always have even on the days when I didn’t know quite how to do so.

So maybe my owed thank yous and recognitions lay within the words: don’t leave, when are you coming back, it’s just you, it’s  something about you, when am I going to see you again, when are we hanging out, can you help me, (and my personal favorite because a friend told me this when I was having “boy drama”) you’re a fucking moron for not seeing how amazing my friend is.

So I am grateful, eternally grateful for all those people who have made this difference in my life. I find the things to be grateful for within the little things.

My SOS

Often in life we run into people who are filled with drama in their lives and for one reason or another, instead of getting out of these situations, they choose to stay living in chaos and spread this chaos into other people’s lives as if the mess they are living needs to fill our minds as well.

I happen to be related to one of these people.

My cousin is going through one mess of a relationship and though she has enough support from her parents, sibling and other family members such as myself, she decides to continue creating chaos and worrying us.
I’d love to say that this is something new but unfortunately, she’s been doing this since she was a kid.
I grew up with her and she was the kind of kid that if you were having a good time, she cried.
It was like she wanted to be the center of attention and we needed to be her audience.

I love her and I always will, we have many memories together, shared many adventures and can still to this day, have a good laugh about anything that is happening in our lives or around us. But her chaos has never ended.

In her adult years she’s been one of those people who see crazy walking up to her and she runs up and hugs it. Though I’ve talked about these things with her many times, she once again has allowed chaos to enter her life.

I woke up today feeling horrible, I couldn’t wake up and I felt heavy, you know, one of those days when the blankets just don’t want to let you go…

I took a shower in hopes I’d hop up and start my day in a cheerful pace but nothing was doing it for me. I played happy music as I took a shower and even changed the artist when I saw it wasn’t doing anything for me. Then I got a message from my cousin. It was a call for help.

I dashed out the shower and called her.

As I sat down trying to do my makeup while talking to her, I continued to feel exhausted and of course, her conversation wasn’t helping especially since I had spent the night before talking to her about the same issue.

After about 40 minutes, I had to do something I absolutely hate…lie.

I told her my battery was running low and that I needed to call her later.

About a few minutes later I had a visitor, it was my aunt. She was tired. It’s always the same thing, over and over… she said. She was laying on the carpet, she closed her eyes and said, “your room is so peaceful”.

I could feel her anxiety. I told her that I felt tired, that no matter how much I’ve tried to help her and talk to her, she is always doing and saying the same thing. I told her I felt drained.

Once the day was over, my cousin asked me to visit her. Quite frankly, I couldn’t. I had been so tired from the moment I woke up, I caught myself coughing several times through the day and I guess the fact that I barely slept and I spend the afternoon running errands didn’t help. I had to turn her down. Also I didn’t want to spend the rest of the night giving advice in vain.

All I wanted was to put on my sweat pants, hide under some blankets and call it a day. This was my call for help, my SOS.
And it was my turn to take care of me.

The Routine

Regardless of whether I decide to have a love life or not, one thing that I must have, is a decent work and social life.
I currently have neither and I believe it is the reason why I binge on Netflix and toss and turn for over an hour when I wake up and when I finally manage to get up, I take about an hour to do the simples of tasks.
Being completely honest I’m driving myself crazy. I’m clinging onto ideas of past events and wondering what my life would be like if I shaved my head.

Though I do believe it’s a normal side effect of this wretched lifestyle, I refuse to think this is it.

I’ve been waiting for a call about a work thing for what feels like a lifetime and making plans with people when your schedule is completely open, makes it difficult for people to make an effort to hang out soon. I started a new Instagram accound, dedicated to only art but I’ve been falling short when I don’t keep up with making things. It’s hard to start something, knowing there isn’t a deadline.

I don’t know if this is depression or not, but I tend to pick up on this crap of a routine every time I start to “hate my life”.

On the brightside, I’ve been watching what I eat, I did gain 5 pounds in this stupid waiting process and I’m not ready (nor will I ever be) to gain any more.
I guess I’m gonna have to go back to watching all those positivity videos again.

Why I refuse to be stupid

Lately, I’ve been giving too many lectures to different friends and family members, in which I say something like: if you see crazy walking up to you, why would you run up and hug it?

I’ve talked to several girls who have issues with a guy they like and this phrase seems to make it’s way into the conversation over and over again.

Unfortunately, I too am a victim of seeing “crazy walking up to me and feeling tempted to run up and hugging it”. As I’ve mentioned before, one of the reasons for leaving social media is because I don’t want to look at Mr. Friend-Zone and think of him as anything but the man he displayed himself to be, little over a week ago. A publicly loud, insulting mess. The day after this incident, I could have seen him when he paid my brother a visit, but I faked being sick and stayed in my room. I walked out for a minute, said hello but quickly went back into my room.
Yesterday I felt ready. I walked down the stairs and I took one step towards the living room, he leaned forward to see me and I made a horribly obvious turn towards the door. I ran out… I literally ran down the street.

I walked to Walmart and bought myself 3 packs of gum. As I walked back to the house, I remembered my phrase, if you see crazy walking up to you, why would you run up and hug it?

I paced back home quickly, convincing myself that this was for the best, that I’m not ready to start seeing anyone anyways and that I must make my peace with the idea that he might already be dating someone anyway.
Once everyone left, I was with my brother on our way to the store and I stupidly said out loud “I just have to live with my decision”. My brother asked me what was wrong but I changed the conversation and he didn’t insist either.

So why do I refuse to be stupid?
Because it would be far beyond the word stupid to continue preaching about how we should be avoiding crazy men when we see the warning signs with the ability to simply say no, and then go out and date (or attemp to) date one myself.

This of course I believe also applies to men, because who are we kidding ladies, women get crazy too.